Babyloss Awareness Week 9th-15th October

Pregnant lady with bow for babyloss and miscarriage awareness

One in Four pregnancies end in miscarriage.

That’s quite a high statistic but miscarriage is something that we skirt around unsure if it should be talked about or not.

Should we share our pregnancy news before the twelve week scan?

I’m not writing this blog post to give a right or wrong answer, just my opinions and my feelings.  They have changed over the years.  Now in hindsight I think if you want to share your happy news with someone – Do it!!  Don’t hold back.  We all started out as someone’s little miracle.  When the boys are having a really cute moment (obviously not when they are smeared in Weetabix or have just tossed my neatly folded piles of laundry around the floor.)  I’m reminded how bloody fabulous they are!  We made them and I’m dam proud!

I’m not someone who ever called that little bean a foetus because to me it’s always a baby.  Forget the science I’m all about the romance!

From the second there appears two little lines, a big blue cross, or even that magic word ‘Pregnant‘ you have an image.  An image of bringing home your new bundle or maybe a flashback to sleepless nights.  In a split second you have planned a life as ‘Mummy’ to the little person growing inside you.

I don’t want to share the details of my story on the internet but I will say I was 1 in 4.  There are dates every year when I remember the Doctors words.  A song I can’t hear without welling up and there is a due date on which I count the years.

When it happened I didn’t know if I should share my sad news or not.  I wasn’t sure anyone would actually care how upset I was.  Would they brush it off as no big deal, “Sure she can have another baby”?

When all intervention and procedures were over I knew I had to tell some of my friends.  I didn’t want to shout it from the roof tops but if I said nothing it was like my baby never existed.  Like they didn’t matter when to me they were a very much longed for life.

I shouldn’t refer only to ‘Me’ it was very much a ‘We’ situation.  I may have physically lost our baby but Hubby was grieving too.  He’d lost the Baby he had imagined when I showed him the stick with two little lines.  But he was the man and played his role triumphantly.  He was strong and held it all together for me.  Making it all, all right.

I reasoned with myself – it wasn’t meant to be.  

If it hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t have the boys I do now.  It made me scared, the beginning of my second pregnancy with F was not an easy one.  Some people would refer to him as our Rainbow Baby and he is.  Even though we were delighted to have another baby to look forward to, superstation quietened us and we kept our news a secret till after our twelve week scan.

Then F came along.  I was lucky enough to be able to bring a home a healthy baby.  At last, we had got to the end of the rainbow and found our pot of gold!

When I finally got myself out and met a group of Mummies I realised my story isn’t uncommon.  There are lots of us who have been the 1 in 4.  Each of us with our own story of heartbreak.  All wondering if we did something wrong.  Unsure of the reason why and unsure if it’s something we should be sharing.

So when it came to my third pregnancy – I didn’t keep it a secret.  I didn’t make it common knowledge but the friends who I seen on a daily basis – I told.  They were the ones I would have wanted to pick me up if it all went wrong.  So it seemed only natural to let them in on my secret.  Oh, and they probably would have guessed something was occurring when I wasn’t shaking my wine glass at the waiter asking for another ‘large Pinot Grigio’ on our Christmas night out!

Loosing a baby at any stage is heart breaking.

The 9th-15th October is Baby loss awareness week.

A week to remember the little ones who we won’t see grow up. This year the Baby loss Awareness Campaign, want us to talk about better bereavement care for people affected by pregnancy and baby loss.

Bereavement care should be offered to anyone who has lost a baby before, during or after birth.  Unfortunately this care varies between regions and not all Trusts and Health Boards have a dedicated bereavement room in each maternity unit they cover.

I had lots of appointments after we received our heartbreak and looking back my, aftercare is a blur but I don’t think I could fault it.  I personally didn’t have a want to speak to a stranger about my loss but I understand that this option may be the only option someone else feels comfortable with.  That option should be there for everyone, regardless of your Post Code.  A room equipped for ladies or couples living their very own nightmare doesn’t seem like a massive ask but hospitals are obviously under huge stress and corners are being cut.

To any anyone reading this who has carried a baby.  Felt it move.  Maybe even decorated a nursery then heard the world crushing words “We can’t find a heartbeat” you are a hero!  I can’t even begin to imagine the grief, the sadness or the bravery you have experienced.  Hopefully you have been surrounded by love and kindness in your darkest days.  I hope you have had the care you needed and somehow you have found a way to carry on.  I don’t really have the words to express my empathy so I’m gonna shut up and pray that infant loss is something I never have to experience.

Every year, on October 15 (International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day), people from around the world are invited to light a candle or candles, at 7 p.m. local time, creating a Wave of Light in memory of babies who have died too soon.

I’m gonna light a little candle this year and remember all the little babies that didn’t get to come home.  Can I ask my readers if you are someone or know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or babyloss share my post.  No-one should feel they have to grieve in secret.

All my love

Mrs C

xxx

 

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7 Comments

  1. October 10, 2017 / 8:55 am

    I’ve been a 1 in 4 too and I never said anything to anyone at the time, in fact few know now 18 years later. I had 6 children so the odds were there! It helped me not to have to explain to anyone, just to go to work as normal. #DreamTeam

    • October 10, 2017 / 10:48 am

      Thanks for your reply Fiona. Sorry you had to go through that. Glad you found a way to cope that was right for you.
      6 children Wow! You are a busy Lady!

  2. October 10, 2017 / 4:06 pm

    It’s horrible isn’t it? It’s only since having miscarriages myself that I’ve become aware of how common they are. I feel like by having one I’ve somehow become part of a secret club that I never wanted to be part of, but so many people I know are.

    At the time I kept it all to myself… but I made the decision that this year I am going to be really open about my past miscarriages. I’m not ashamed. I want people to know that it’s okay to talk, to take support from others and to grieve. If I got pregnant again would I share the news widely before 12 weeks…? Unlikely… but I probably would tell people the truth if the worst did happen.

    Much love xxx

    • October 10, 2017 / 4:26 pm

      Thanks for sharing Claire. Hopefully if we have any future Pregnancy stories they will have happy endings. xx

  3. October 11, 2017 / 7:02 am

    I am 1 in 4 too. Our first pregnancy we lost at the start of the year. It was really hard because I followed the don’t tell until 12 week rule and now regret it. I feel very angry about it actually. Because the “rule” is only there to cover up the losses and stop others feeling sad. It doesn’t help the one person who needs it the most. I’m so glad I told my mum at 6 weeks despite being advised against this!!! I needed those people when it all went wrong. I needed to share the happy before the sad. I remember too and have special things to never forget the angel baby who first made me a mummy. I’m lucky and am now 20weeks but it’s been totally different and much more uncertain and anxious. Only now am I starting to be excited. And I told close people as soon as I knew this time. Bugger the 12 week rule. #dreamteam

  4. October 12, 2017 / 10:13 am

    I’m so sorry to read this and can completely understand how those dates would be engrained in your mind forever. Personally I didn’t tell anyone about our pregnancy until the first scan as I was sure there was a strong chance we could miscarry – although it felt so hard not to say anything! Beautiful post, I think it’s so important to share these stories. Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam x

  5. October 17, 2017 / 6:50 am

    Great post. I’ve never experienced it but know too many who have. Like you, I told close friends who I see a lot before the 12 weeks because I felt to horrendous with sickness, I couldn’t drink at a hen do(!) and like you say, if anything went wrong, they’d have been there for me and helped pick me up. #DreamTeam

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